The fear a parent experiences when we hear that our child wants to be dead, is horrific and all-consuming. I know that fear intimately, I’ve experienced it for the last 11 years. That fear doesn’t ever lesson and in fact, with each new conversation, it takes a stronger hold on your heart. I’ll share a bit of my story with the hope that it helps you in your connection with your child(ren).
2017 – It’s 5:34 am, my eyes fly open, my heart is racing, and I jump out of bed, I quickly go down the hall to his room, the entire time praying “please be here, please be ok, please be breathing, please be breathing, please, please.” I open the door and go to his bed. The little snore I hear is a thing of beauty. Pure and absolute joy to a mother’s ears. I stand with tears of relief pouring down my face. Oh how I love him, my son Scotty.
This man-child of mine, my first baby, my 6’2” 300lb 16-year old teenager with a sweet child’s heart, a love for history, sketching, and storytelling and a fear of becoming an adult is fighting a battle that is insidious.
See, just the night before he told me that he is suicidal again. Again. My heart was breaking, my palms were sweating and I had gone into a hyper-vigilant mode. It was a slap back to reality. I’ve been here before with him and we know the drill. As a parent, it is a moment that stops time. Like the world just quits moving, I could feel everything so vividly and oh so deeply. I wanted to scream at him that there is so much amazingness in life and to just suck it up and know that this period sucks but better times are coming. I wanted to shake him as if that would make him see this isn’t the answer. I wanted to hold him and hug him, and never let anything hurt him again. I wanted to go back in time and fix whatever had happened to get us here. I wanted to lock him in a room with me and take away all the possible dangers. There were a million things I wanted to say and do, but instead, I said “I love you, you have so much value, and you matter to many people” and then I just sat there. Over the years I had learned that my job in these moments was to just be. To be still and sit with him. To listen. To love with an open mind and no judgment.
Did you know that suicide is the number 2 cause of death of middle school and teenagers in the United States?
When Scotty first told us he was suicidal he was around the age of 9 and just like many of you, we had no clue what to do next.
Being a parent of a child who expresses they are suicidal or severely depressed is not an easy role to manage. It is a 24 hour a day role with no breaks and it takes courage and it takes surrender and it takes wisdom because unfortunately, this experience creates a bit of PTSD for the parent.
If your child is in immediate danger and has a plan for suicide, follow Gary’s advice in this article “Steps to Take When Your Child Is Suicidal”,
In 2018 I wrote this blog “Please be breathing, please” while we were working with Blue Ridge Therapeutic Wilderness, it gives a bit more story about our experience in 2017. What it doesn’t go into is that we had another episode with Scotty in 2019 and this one was the scariest, it felt more solid and more deeply impactful. It felt yucky at a level I can’t describe but I felt like he had gotten to such a deep level of apathy that if we didn’t get it turned around, we’d for sure lose him. We knew the drill and we immediately got him working with Gary De Rodriguez. Today, Scotty attributes his healthy outlook on life to his work with Gary and has said multiple times Gary saved his life.
My hope for each of you is that you connect with your child, get them the help they need, and continue to build a psychologically safe environment that allows for your relationships to flourish.
We are here if you want support. Psychological safety is accrued one conversation and one action at a time. #conversationsmatter
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Much love,
Jannica Morton
Co-Founder, unblock
Jannica@beunblocked.com
Jannica has experience as a culture facilitator/coach, corporate manager, alternative education school co-founder, and owner of a marketing agency founded in 1998. She coaches executives, teams, partners, individuals, and families to live in alignment with their unique design using frameworks such as Human Design, EQ, BG5, and Profit Potential.
She guides clients to more successful and harmonious relationships through an awareness of themselves, their experiences, and interactions with others. Her process is to mentor clients to understand their thoughts, emotions, energy, and decision strategies. Jannica’s heart beats for helping parents understand and nurture their kids. Her goal is to help families connect through authentic conversations where everyone is heard, seen, and accepted.