Picture a typical Tuesday night in your home. What’s everyone up to?
- Do you eat dinner together?
- Do you watch a favorite show as a family, play a game together, or spend time in the backyard?
- Or does each person run off to do their own thing, like video games or social media?
Now let’s add a dose of reality.
It’s a typical Tuesday night in the midst of a pandemic. Most activities have been canceled or virtually modified. You have spent more hours within the walls of your home than ever before—which also means you’ve had heaping spoonfuls of extra time with your family. What’s everyone up to now?
- Do you have anything to talk about at the dinner table?
- Does it feel forced to watch a movie together or try to have fun over a board game?
- Is it easier for everyone to have time alone at the end of the day?
The present reality has necessitated you to stay home. But even with so much time together, it can be tough to connect with your kids.
Anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicide are on the rise. Don’t assume that your kids are okay. Create a home environment that fosters psychological safety.
What is psychological safety?
Psychological safety was first coined by Dr. Amy Edmondson of Harvard University in 1999. She determined that a team will be most successful if a member feels safe to say or do anything—from a good heart—because they trust that their team is on their side.
When applied to families, psychological safety means that each family member lives with the freedom to be emotionally vulnerable, knowing that they will be heard and helped without shame or blame or guilt.
That further breaks down into four categories:
- Be yourself. Share your joy when life is good and walk through sadness when trials hit. Your family will be supportive no matter what.
- Speak up. Express your emotions, concerns, and desires to your family who values your thoughts and opinions.
- Make mistakes. There is no need to be perfect. Family extends forgiveness, grace, mercy, and plenty of second chances.
- Take risks. Don’t be afraid to take the leap because your family is your number one fan and believes that you can succeed.
A psychologically safe home
Declaring that your home is a safe environment doesn’t actually make it one. You, as parents and caregivers, need to model those four elements of psychological safety every single day.
Yes, we know that you won’t do it perfectly. And not doing it perfectly is actually a fantastic first step! What a perfect time to be yourself in the midst of your disappointments. What a beautiful example to speak up about your imperfections. What a wonderful opportunity to express your gratitude for a family who forgives you when you make mistakes. What better time to take a risk and try again!
In a home that exudes safety like a saturated sponge, each member of your family will believe they can
- Be authentic. Ideas, dreams, and passions don’t just stay in their head—they’re made known to each other. (Be yourself.)
- Talk about what’s rumbling around in their head and heart, and ask for help when they’re struggling. (Speak up.)
- Feel the freedom to fail. And if they do something wrong, they know others will forgive them. (Make mistakes.)
- Try new things, with consideration for how this could impact not just self but also the whole family. (Take risks.)
Curious if your home is psychologically safe? Take a brief 10-question assessment here.
Ways to connect with your kids
Hungry for those four elements to describe your family beneath your roof? Here are some practical ways to develop that kind of environment and lifestyle. Hint: #conversationsmatter
Be yourself.
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- Compliment their thoughtfulness, ideas, or actions.
“It was such a good idea to take a walk together.”
“You were so kind to share the last brownie.”
- Say thank you. (This one is easy yet so overlooked!)
- Tell them what you like about them.
“I like the way you laugh like a hyena causing everyone else to laugh too.”
“I like how you dedicated you are to your dreams.”
- Be yourself.
Sing a silly song, dance in the kitchen, cry when you’re sad, and eat cobbler for dinner—as long as that’s genuinely you.
Speak up.
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- Be an active listener and repeat back what they say to you.
“I hear you saying that you are struggling with school and need help with your homework.”
“Thank you for telling me what you think about that. I will take that into consideration when I make my decision.”
- Be empathetic. Don’t freak out when your family member shares something hard.
“Honey, that must be so difficult. I can’t even imagine.”
“Wow, that sounds tough. I see why you’re struggling.”
- Share your concerns and ask for feedback.
“I’m concerned that we are spending too much time on our screens. What do you think?”
“I’m struggling to stay connected with my friends. Are you? Do you have any ideas to help my friendships?”
- Don’t hide when you’re struggling.
“I’m really sad today.”
“This pandemic makes me feel really anxious, and it gets worse when I watch the news.”
Make mistakes.
- Confess your mistakes.
“I’m sorry, I forgot to take out the trash.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you when I was angry.”
- Ask for forgiveness.
“Will you forgive me for forgetting to do my chores?”
“Will you forgive me for getting angry and saying hurtful words to you?”
- Be quick to forgive.
“I forgive you for forgetting to do your chores. Let’s plan another time for you to do your chores so you can be successful.”
“I forgive you for getting angry and saying hurtful things to me.”
- Model forgiveness without shame, blame, or guilt (including to yourself).
“I’m upset that you didn’t finish your chores, but I know that you were doing your homework instead. Even though both things needed to be done, you made a wise choice.”
“I know you said those hurtful things out of your anger, but I know that they aren’t true.”
Take risks.
- Try out new ideas.
“What do you guys think about not using technology one night per week?”
- Relinquish control.
“Would you be in charge of this?”
“I don’t think I can manage to do this and that. Could you help me with one of those?”
- Ask for their feedback.
“What do you think about this?”
“Can you share some constructive criticism and encouragement?”
Connect with your kids
Connect with your kids on a head and heart level. And, when you live out these four elements, your home will gradually transform into a haven.
While your kids probably can’t say, “My home is psychologically safe,” you can observe it’s limitless effects when your kids gush their heart to you, ask for help, tell you what’s on their mind, or invite your support. And that kind of life—where together is better—is fuller and more beautiful than you can imagine!
Psychologically safety is accrued one conversation and one action at a time. #conversationsmatter. They really really do!
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Much love,
Jannica Morton
Co-Founder, unblock
Jannica@beunblocked.com
Jannica has experience as a culture facilitator/coach, corporate manager, alternative education school co-founder, and owner of a marketing agency founded in 1998. She coaches executives, teams, partners, individuals, and families to live in alignment with their unique design using frameworks such as Human Design, EQ, BG5, and Profit Potential.
She guides clients to more successful and harmonious relationships through an awareness of themselves, their experiences, and interactions with others. Her process is to mentor our clients to understand their thoughts, emotions, energy, and decision strategies. Jannica’s heart beats for helping parents understand and nurture their kids. Her goal is to help families connect through authentic conversations where everyone is heard, seen, and accepted.